Every parent has experience temper tantrums with their child where the child suddenly shows an outburst of uncontrolled emotion. It is commonly seen in young children ages two to four years old.
Identify the source
Parents need to know that temper tantrums are spontaneous and not intentional. The source can be environmental or external factors like loud noises or over stimulation or it can be from the child’s natural development of social, verbal and cognitive skills, the child’s emotional maturity or he may just be fatigue or hungry.
Tantrum myths
Tantrums can be triggered by separation anxiety, frustration, fear or the need for attention. Below are some myths about temper tantrums that are false and may change your misconception about it.
• It is unhealthy. The truth is temper tantrums are normal and is a way for the child to release their strong emotions.
• It reflects bad parenting. The truth is it has no relation to the parenting skills. However, parenting skills and knowledge are necessary in dealing and solving tantrum problems.
• The child is bad. The truth is tantrums are not bad and neither is the child. As mentioned earlier, the child does not purposefully plan to have a tantrum.
• It is the child’s way of manipulation. This is true for ‘attention tantrums’ only and not for other occurrences.
How to deal with tantrums?
Know beforehand that there is no one solution that can solve or deal with the different types of tantrums. Not only every child is unique, their tantrums may vary from one child to another. Parental emotional response to a tantrum is as important as understanding why the child is having a tantrum. So, the best place to start is to know the source of the tantrum and learn the best way to deal with it.
Identifying the type of tantrum, examples are given below:
• Separation tantrum
• Possession tantrum
• Power struggle tantrum
• Emotional tantrum
• Attention tantrum
• Frustration tantrum
Using positive statements
All parents communicate with their children, so in this situation it calls for good communication strategies to deal with the tantrum. Through talking and communicating, you calm the child and help him to learn good behavior and self-control. Instead of ordering or giving negative instructions like “Don’t do that” or “Stop doing that”, you can make positive statements like “Put your shoes in the cupboard”, “Please sit on the sofa” or “Please use the spoon to eat your food”, etc.
Using “I” messages
“I” messages may start with “I wish”, “I need” or “I want”, etc. An example is instead of saying “You are too loud and disturbing everyone” becomes “I need you to lower down your voice for now” or instead of “It is very naughty of you to take someone’s toy” becomes “I want you to share this toy”.
Using rewards or praises
Praising a child for doing something good will motivate a child to repeat the good behavior to receive more praises. Just remember not to overdo it or else it may lose its positive impact. Setting up a system for giving rewards may also be useful. For example, using star stickers or tokens which can be exchanged for something nice after a certain period will ensure the child makes efforts to control his behavior.
The above is just an eye opener to the subject of temper tantrums. For parents who have to deal with this a lot are advice to read and learn more about the subject. Having more knowledge and skills certainly prevents the problem from occurring too often and helps the child to progress faster.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Jacquelyn:
You certainly hit the highlight of tantrums. Because children don’t come with instructions, I’ve written a book, “Temper Tantrum Common Sense Handbook” that covers how to prevent, stop, and live with tantrums.
It also covers triggers, including allergies, and how to create a temper tantrum trigger tracking table.
I’d be thrilled if you’d promote my e-book as a resource for parents who are dealing with tantrum-aged children, available at http://www.TuffTurtle.com/tantrums/htm.
Hi Judy,
I believe your book will be useful to parents facing this problem. Great work!
Thanks for this information. I was one the believers of the “myth” that it reflects bad parenting.
Yes, there are parents who think that when their kids behave badly it is partly due to their bad parenting. I still have this thought once in awhile when my kids behave badly.
My philosophy was always I don’t want the blame when (if) my children are bad so I can’t/won’t take the credit when they are great. Turns out the latter is harder to do than the former.
Judy